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Episode 54/Transcript
Clint: Alright, ladies and gentlemen, three seconds left to go. Overland Park trails by one with a trip to the State Championship on the line. Christiansen takes the snap from the center, he drops back, he's got a man down field in the end zone, heaves it up a mile and it is... Blaine: Ohhhhhh! I caught it! Clint: Caught! Touchdown Overland Park! Touchdown Overland Park! The Grizzlies are going to State! Our sideline reporter Caitlin Cameron is down on the field with the winners. Let's go down to her. Caitlin? Caitlin: Clint, thank you so much. Blaine, let me ask you, the final play—take me through it. Blaine: Well, I'm the best tight end in the game! When you try me with a sorry corner like Crabtree, that's the result you gonna get! Don't you ever talk about me! Caitlin: Who was talking about you? Blaine: Crabtree! Don't you open your mouth about the best! Or I'm gonna shut it for you real quick! MLB! (leaves) Caitlin: Alright, before— Blaine: (comes back) Oh and also the ending to How I Met Your Mother! That was fucking bullshit! You know what I'm talking about! Cailin: Oh, Than, Than, can we get a word? Than: Oh sure, no problem. Caitlin: You definitely anchored the defense tonight. What are some of the highlights of the game for you? Than: Well, their tight end definitely played a hard game. He had those piercing blue eyes. I don't know if you noticed him, but then again, how could you not? Number forty-eight's got a jawline looks like he was cut from a diamond. And their quarterback, oh man, let me just tell you, I did not mind lying on top of him for those five sacks in the third quarter, if you know what I mean! Seriously, his abs, let me tell you something— Tanner: Oh man! Congrats you guys! This is what we've been talking about all year! All fucking year! Deandra: You're goddamn right it is! Suck our dicks, suck our dicks, we did it! We did it! Tanner: Oh my god, Deandra, look at you, are you okay? Deandra: What? Oh yeah, this, this isn't my blood. This is somebody else's blood. Blood of my enemies. Mackenzie: Great work you guys! Trisha: Winners get a kiss. (kisses Matthew) Blaine: Man, I wish Saison could be here. Tanner: Yeah Blaine, where is Saison? Blaine: Oh, she's at home with our cafeteria baby. By the way, thanks again Deandra. Deandra: No problem! That reminds me, we're all going out for food after this, correct? Perhaps a... little clam chowder? Tanner: You bet Deandra. Anything you want. Deandra: Great, I'll just go grab my eating arm. Mackenzie: Oh no Deandra, don't worry about it, I'll go get it for you. Deandra: Oh really, okay? Here ya go. You know, it really is true what they say. Cheerleaders will fucking do anything for football players. Tanner: Alright Blaine, one last time, you want to do the honors? Blaine: You bet I do. Ready? State, state, state— Matthew, Tanner, Deandra, and Blaine: State! State! State! Than: State huh, more like um... oh, hold on, I had this, um... more like... Tanner: Than. Uh, you do know you're part of the team? You're going to State, too. Than: Oh yeah sorry guys. Old habits. Tanner: Alright, c'mon guys, let's go celebrate. Oisin: What's there to celebrate? You haven't won anything yet. Deandra: Oh god, this fucking guy again. Oisin: Of course you beat Wichita Falls, that team's filled with nothing a bunch of girls. Deandra: Hey, you got a problem with girls, pal? Than: And for the record, they are definitely not girls. I checked thoroughly. They all had penises. Oisin: Well, it won't be so easy for you next week. No, next week, at the Kansas State Championship Game, in beautiful Bill Snyder Family Football Stadium in Manhattan Kansas, you're going up against Oisin McGrann. And let me tell you, Oisin's gonna crush you. Blaine: Hey man, go fuck yourself. Deandra: Yeah, you go to hell! Tanner: We're not afraid of you. Than: So what is it, are you taking like a protein shake? What's your regimen there? Like a P90X thing, or Crossfit? Deandra: Than? Than: What? Oh, sorry, I got a thing for redheads. Especially redheads with beards. If I see a tall, redheaded guy with a beard, I'm like give me some of that! I wonder if he's funny. Oh god, if he's funny, and had red hair and a beard, he would be the perfect man. Tanner: You all done there buddy? Than: Yeah, yeah I'm done. Deandra: Hey man, I've had just about enough of you. How about we not wait til next week and I open up a can of old-fashioned Deandra whoopa—oh goddammit I forgot, I do not have an arm on me right now. Never mind, I'll see you next week. Oisin: Oh you'll see me next week. And when you do, rest assured, Oisin'll be stepping on your throat. Tanner: Hey, uh, just for the record, you do know that you're mispronouncing your own name, right? Oisin: I'll pronounce my name the way I want to pronounce my name. You know why? Because I don't play by your rules man. Than: Oh! Oh! (stammers incoherently) Oisin: Now if you'll excuse me, my kids are waitin' for me in the minivan. Deandra: Goddammit, where the hell is Mackenzie with my fuckin' eating arm? Mackenzie: Oh Jenna, I'm so glad you could make it. Jenna Darabond: What the fuck do you want, Mackenzie? You know if you try to do anything to me, I'm gonna report you to Mr. McNeely. Mackenzie: No, no I know, that's not what this is about. Jenna Darabond: Then why the fuck am I here? Justin: Hey guys. Jenna Darabond: Justin, what the fuck are you doing here? Justin: Oh well, um, I got a text about pie. Mackenzie: Oh yeah sorry, well, actually there isn't any pie. Justin: Oh. But it said "Want some?", and I do want some. Mackenzie: I just wanted to meet with you guys to let Justin know who he's really dating. Jenna Darabond: Mackenzie, what are you talking about? Mackenzie: Justin, did you know that Jenna is the one that blew up Brittnay's car? Justin: What? Jenna, you said you didn't have anything to do with that! Jenna Darabond: I didn't! Muffin, I promise! I would never do anything like that. Mackenzie: Oh come on Jenna, Brittnay's not here, you can admit it. C'mon, you blew up her car to get back at us. I would've done the same thing. I mean, what's the big deal? You already burned down a mall. Jenna Darabond: Yes, and that's a nice try, Mackenzie, but Justin already knows all about that because we tell each other everything. I told him that I burned down the mall because I was jealous of you guys and I wanted him all to myself. And now I have him, and I told him that because his love is the fire that keeps my heart ablaze, I wouldn't have to do anything like that ever again and I haven't. So why don't you eat a big old donkey dick and go fuck off with the rest of your jockhead football buddies. Justin: Oh yeah, do me a favor and tell the guys I said congratulations. The state championship game—that's a really big accomplishment! Jenna Darabond: Yeah, a really big accomplishment that nobody's going to see, because they'll all be at my Hip-Chella-Stock-Alooza. So thank you Mackenzie for wasting our fucking time. C'mon Justin. Mackenzie: Oh no, Jenna, thank you. Deandra: Oh there you are! Jesus Christ, you haven't even gotten my eating arm yet! What the fuck have you been doing this entire time? Mackenzie: Oh sorry, um, I uh, I, had to go to bathroom. Deandra: You took my arm to the bathroom with you? What the fuck kind of sicko does that? God, I just had my eating arm steam cleaned to get all the fetus juice off and now you go and take this arm to poop with you? You're a real piece of work Zales, a real piece of work. Mackenzie: I'm, I'm sorry Deandra. Deandra: Well, all this talk of poop, has made me have to poop. I'll be taking this back, because this is also my wipin' arm. Arrivaderci, weirdo! Mackenzie: Oh dear God.